“Now, when I am there, I feel more like the Ghost of Christmas Past, glimpsing my old life from a distance.” I was holding it together until that line. - Hiatt Baker, not Bess:)
Liz, this was so beautiful, I got a little choked up myself! I like to think I'm a person who faces my feelings head-on (almost out of spite) but for reasons I can't quite explain, I have deliberately avoided thinking about my two decades in New York since leaving. I swat thoughts of New York away with something adjacent to disapproval. My feelings are so complicated that I don't even have the energy to begin untangling them.
But, when I was in Brooklyn for 36 hours in September and walking around with my oldest, he remembered the playground at PS 282, and he remembered our stoop where his initials & Violet's are still carved into the sidewalk, and he remembered Prospect Park and bits of our life there. Unprompted he said "I feel this weird feeling. I feel happy being here. But also sad. I guess feel them both at the same time." I have been thinking that it's as simple as that, really. I feel so sad when I think about New York, because it's there but of course my New York is gone. Thank you for writing this - it gave me a moment to think about the city without shooing the thought away and feel a moment of gratitude for the tiny bit of it that was mine for a time. 🤍
Priya, now I am getting choked up! (Also, I am so sorry for the delay in responding to this...I am still learning where to find everything on Substack). I can totally relate to it feeling complicated and yet happy and sad sums it up so well. Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to share. xx
“Now, when I am there, I feel more like the Ghost of Christmas Past, glimpsing my old life from a distance.” I was holding it together until that line. - Hiatt Baker, not Bess:)
Hiatt! Thank you so much for reading!
This one got me too
Liz, this was so beautiful, I got a little choked up myself! I like to think I'm a person who faces my feelings head-on (almost out of spite) but for reasons I can't quite explain, I have deliberately avoided thinking about my two decades in New York since leaving. I swat thoughts of New York away with something adjacent to disapproval. My feelings are so complicated that I don't even have the energy to begin untangling them.
But, when I was in Brooklyn for 36 hours in September and walking around with my oldest, he remembered the playground at PS 282, and he remembered our stoop where his initials & Violet's are still carved into the sidewalk, and he remembered Prospect Park and bits of our life there. Unprompted he said "I feel this weird feeling. I feel happy being here. But also sad. I guess feel them both at the same time." I have been thinking that it's as simple as that, really. I feel so sad when I think about New York, because it's there but of course my New York is gone. Thank you for writing this - it gave me a moment to think about the city without shooing the thought away and feel a moment of gratitude for the tiny bit of it that was mine for a time. 🤍
Priya, now I am getting choked up! (Also, I am so sorry for the delay in responding to this...I am still learning where to find everything on Substack). I can totally relate to it feeling complicated and yet happy and sad sums it up so well. Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to share. xx